Monday, December 31, 2001
i can't sleep
it's 4:30 and i'm wide awake. what else is new. i've been rolling around in bed for the last couple hours... a gazillion thoughts running thru my head. so i thought i'd come downstairs and write 'em all out on here. get 'em outta my head. i thought it'd be all quiet online.. but it turns out lotsa ppl are online! joy. :D alan, shannon, terrance.. and even james a little ago.
so i guess i'll type out some of these random thoughts on here and hopefully clear my mind.
i miss shannon. she's the sweetest. and sometimes i feel like she's one of the only ppl i can totally be myself with. crazy moods and all... cuz she's like that too. up and down a lot. but i guess she has an excuse - she's artsy. :D whereas i'm just psycho. hehe.
amy sent me an email the other night that she had typed out to gabe about her day. i haven't had a good good talk with her in ages. it was really cool to read her email and be inspired by her thoughts and know what's goin on in her head again. i miss the talks we used to have last yr. her email was about romans 12, which she had read that night. and the main thing that struck me was the feeding on God's word part. how would our lives be diff if we constantly fed on God's word? i think mine would be a LOT different. for one i wouldn't be so emotionally up and down cuz i'd be grounded in his word. not that any of u know it. i hardly ever tell anyone. cuz if i did, u'd think i'd gone nuts.. that's how frequent it is. wongs is probably one of the few ppl who i spaz to sometimes. thanx, buddy. :D and wayne.... but i haven't had a good talk with him in a long, long time.
we had our first meeting for the experiencing God cell grp tonight b4 matt's potluck. thanx, amy - for getting us on track. :) too much playing... sometimes we never get down to business. so anyhow, we're gonna do a msg board thing instead of icq chat. and we'll do i think it works out to a wk in the workbk in 2 wks. which means i gotta get the workbk cuz i don't have it. i'm really looking forward to this. and eric is too! i hope it goes somewhere and that we all get lots out of it.
i had some good talks with a couple ppl at the party tonight - sandra, alfred, kathyk. i'm sorta lookin forward to the cottage. i wonder what it'll be like... i dunno why, but i'm in a blah mood. and most of these ppl who are goin i don't know very well. but hehe... lill told me the other day - that's great, then u'll get to know all these ppl! and i was like - and since when have u been so eager to meet new ppl? hahaha.... she sounds like me talking to her. :P (i miss lill so much. i didn't realize how much til i talked to her on msn a couple nights ago and couldn't stop typing. :D) but i'm glad i'll get a chance to talk to kathy. :) it's been awhile since i've talked about my missions trip and she said she wants to hear all about it. talking with alfred seems to ground me. bring me back to reality - how things are, and how i'd like to be thinking in terms of materialism and life. he was saying that money could be put to a better use than gifts, sometimes. he wanted to give money to a charity on behalf of ppl as a gift. i think that would be a GREAT idea! :) feel free to do that for me! :) and he's been fasting and saving money to give away too. it's so funny how we were talking about being a hermit and he said he hasn't left his house since thurs. lol!! he's content staying at home, reading or doin whatever. and i'm like - hehe. yeah.. i've been quite the hermit this term, and i kinda enjoy it! sandra and i were talking about churches... and i told her about my church dilemna. i dunno what to do - jaffray or presby, one or the other.. or both like i've been doing? it's funny how when ppl talk about jaffray they refer to it as "my" church. as opposed to presby. i don't feel that way at all. these days i feel more at home dt. i was talking to andrew about it earlier this wk and he was like, i dunno, lyds - i think u should choose one or the other. i was kinda skeptical at first. i told him i'd chew on it. :P but after talking to sandra tonight, i think i'm gonna start praying about it. she thinks i should stick with one too. esp long term. [sigh] churches... so hard to find ur niche. hmm... i wonder what my life would be like if i fed on God's word regularly.. it all comes down to that.
another thought while i was rolling around in bed... i'm not good at anything. not any one thing. mediocre at some, horrible at others, not exceptionally good at any one thing. not even really good at anything. i can't cook well (even though i watch the foodnetwork religiously), can't organize good parties, dont' have style or originality, i'm boring. i'm not creative, not even musical anymore. i used to be good at piano. and win classes at kiwanis. and get scholarships. [sigh] sure, i have a decent voice, but that doesn't amount to anything. i got into my super duper hard masters program. but that was more God than me. i think that if i didn't have this one vision in life that God has given me, i'd be pretty lost. nothing to strive for, nothing to say is completely mine, unique. and nutrition is a pretty bleak field to get into. not many jobs out there for dietitians - most of them have more than one part time job. u work so hard to get ur dietetic qualifications and ur internship... and then u get a really low salary and u're not even in demand. unless u go into industry. that's a different story. i'd like to do that. if i wasn't set on relief and development work (maybe i'll get to work for the UN one day. now that'd be super cool). industry sounds like an exciting place. the other day while talking to my mom, it occurred to me... why am i in the health care field?? how in the world did i get here? strange thought, eh? but when i got into nutrition i don't think this is where i actually wanted to end up. i was more interested in the science side of things - like how diff foods react when u put them together, or how they help/harm ur body, or what diff ingredients will do to a food. now i find that fascinating. but hmm... i ended up in community nutrition. public health. it's like i was on a one way track and i didn't even know it. well... i have none of that food science knowledge. so i will just have to stick with this health professional thing. perhaps my not having any talent in anything isn't totally a lost cause... maybe it's not the end of the world. even though it is an incredibly depressing thought. cuz u know what they say... or what jesus says: "my grace is sufficient for u, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 cor 12:9 and maybe this is the point where i look to him and say, i'm nothing. use me for ur purpose.
Friday, December 28, 2001
one fine day
i woke up at 3:30 today. this is a vicious cycle! a couple hours and the sky was dark again. i feel like a mole. i live in darkness. :D living by myself doesn't help either. now i understand why ange has the tv on 24/7.
i look at my list of "things to do tmr" that i made up last night. laundry and cooking crossed off the list. i made my mashed potato pancakes. they didn't turn out so good. a little gooey inside - maybe i added a tad too much flour? but actually not so bad. not enough oil so they weren't so golden brown. hmm... my new $50 t-fal frying pan is too healthy. :D a tiny bit of cleaning and organizing done. which leaves 20 other things to do. oh how i wish for one more wk of holiday. next wk is all booked up already. but there are a few ppl i wanna see that i haven't seen in.... at least 2 yrs. gotta get my haircut and a hepA shot.
i've been listening to the one fine day soundtrack - sappy love songs.
one fine day, u'll look at me
and u will know our love was meant to be
one fine day, u're gonna want me... for ur girl...
[sigh] :)
true love? bah, humbug
what a difference a day makes
twenty-four little hours
brought the sun and the flowers
where there used to be rain
my yesterday was blue, dear
today i'm part of u, dear
my lonely nights are through, dear
since u said u were mine
what a difference a day makes
there's a rainbow before me
skies above can't be stormy
since that moment of bliss
that thrilling kiss
it's heaven when u
find romance on ur menu
what a difference a day made
and the difference is u....
~ maria grever, stanley adams
Tuesday, December 25, 2001
merry christmas to all and to all a good night
i slept all day today. :D just got up at 4 pm.
all i once held dear, built my life upon
all this world reveres and wars to own
all i once thought gain, i have counted loss
spent and worthless now, compared to this
knowing u, jesus, knowing u.
there is no greater thing
u're my all, u're the best
u're my joy, my righteousness
and i love u lord.
Saturday, December 22, 2001
christmas is here
but it sure doesn't feel like it. other than the hustle and bustle at the malls. i went christmas shopping for the first time today. i would've been really frustrated if it hadn't been that i knew exactly which stores i was gonna hit and what i was gonna get in each of them.
i ran into a whole bunch of ppl at eaton's - allan, chuck and alan, ameals and nat. i miss alan. i haven't talked to him in over 4 months! :( cuz my icq is down. my sweet little brother. :D
i think i know why i've been so hysterical lately. i haven't had good quality time with God in the last wk and a half. after having great quiet time for almost 3 wks b4 that. and feeling spiritually grounded. that was lost... in the time that i forsook it all to get things done toute suite. it's time for a retreat. me and God... getting back to the root of it all. what really matters. one pure and holy passion - to know and follow hard after HIM. amen.
Thursday, December 20, 2001
waaaahhhh!!
grrr... i didn't know this would be so painful.
Wednesday, December 19, 2001
wasting time...
i'm almost there.... so close and yet it seems so far away. here i am in the lib once more. this time on the computer, trying to make myself write my essay that's supposed to be incredibly interesting to write. but for some reason i'm having problems. i'm having major procrastination issues these days. like never b4. [sigh] but what else is new! :P how sad, how sad. that's one for the new yr's resolutions list.
so in the last 15 min that i've been taking a break, i went to check shannon's blog (which is really good btw, very poetic. :) check it out: http://linns.scribble.nu - sign her gbook while u're there) and checked out one of her friend's sites while i was at it. it's funny finding out about other ppl's lives when u have no idea who they really are in real life. and u wonder... which reminds me of when anita was stalking my friends on the net cuz i showed her a couple links of theirs and she was having probs sleeping at night. [grin] but i don't like it when ppl don't update for days and wks at a time! very very disappointing. esp when u are looking for ways to waste time. haha. what a life i lead. in my procrastination, i went to see if wongs had updated his journal yet and he had! yay! and he actually said my blog is interesting! db yay! :P cuz it had occurred to me that my blog entries are very long. aiya. :) and probably not very interesting to anyone other than myself. but apparently not! how exciting. at least someone finds my boring life interesting. :P another strange man came into work last night to tell me about how eating steak and drinking milk together is the worst thing u could ever do to ur body. but i'll cover that in another entry.. if i ever get around to it. oh. in response to the harry potter thing, my dad sent me an email of an interview with the author of this book that gives suggestions on how we as christians, and christian parents, should deal with the whole controversy. so i can send it to whoever's interested in reading it. speaking of interesting reading, i read an article in preparation for writing this paper that was extremely interesting. "hunger, escaping excess" was what it was called. it talks about obesity as a form of malnourishment. and the two sides of the coin - malnourishment in developing and developed countries. i can lend u that one too if u're interested. how many times have i used interesting in the last few sentences? haha. aiya. anyhoo, the article reminds me of a book that i saw in LA this summer and that brian brought to my attention when i got back: Fast Food Nation. i should get hold of a copy this break.
matt oh matt, u should get ur site back up and running!! then i'll have more to keep me occupied in times of procrastination. [grin] ok, it's 5 pm. time to get back to work. one more hour til work (real work, i mean, at jaka's). i hope to get this essay done within 24 h so i can have real freedom and lotsa fun and rest to look forward to this break! ange's leaving tmr morn bright and early b4 the sun comes out. it'll be quiet around the apartment. at least i have strange men at work to keep me company. lol... and terrance. :)
Monday, December 17, 2001
the wkd
it's been a couple days. hm - i should try to post more often.
it snowed, it snowed, it snowed!!!!!!! on friday afternoon. i was on my way to carolling rehearsal when it started and i was so excited. [grin] big wet snowflakes. i got completely soaked on my way home and my face was frozen, but looking from my window on the 19th floor, it was beautiful. and the next morning when i woke up... it was still there! woohoo!
the last couple days have gone by really quickly. funny how time flies when u're not studying. :) but i should be! i still have a paper to write. i printed articles out b4 work today. aiya. :) lots to do. i went to mentoring grp on sat night. i always find it inspiring... interacting with ppl from diff age grps - a lot of the ppl in the grp are young couples, probably in their 30s. and then there's craig and krista, the leaders. listening to ppl talk and share about their thoughts and experiences.... it's encouraging and also inspiring to see ppl so eager to seek God and who live their lives completely to do his will, to follow his call. sometimes u look at ppl in ur own church and they all seem so caught up in their own lives, concerned only about the immediate things around them, oblivious to the things in the world. or sometimes even forgetting to live their lives for jesus... every minute, every moment, doing every single action and word spoken for God's glory. and it's disheartening. discouraging. esp when we're so young and enthusiastic and just ready to get out there into the real world and make a difference, show ppl who jesus really is. but after awhile, work becomes work - long, tedious days that u dread.. and u stop living for jesus at ur workplace, u stop making every minute count. and u just do, counting the minutes b4 another day is over. but the next day it's back ot the daily grind. how meaningless and hopeless that must be... even for christians. but these ppl are a little different and i can sense it - they live for God, consciously every day. and i wanna be like that... i don't wanna fall into the trap of monotony and routine. i wanna continue living the way i've been living, something i've realized in the last half a yr maybe, that i'm always aware of the consequence of my actions, and i try to live every moment for God. i forget a lot, but lots of things that i used to just do or say cuz i felt like it or out of habit, i think twice about now. i think about the consequences and how it would further God's kingdom.. or not. and act accordingly. it definitely is a diff way of living. i dont' wanna lose that.
anyhow, the chapter we covered this month was on the role of the local church in tentmaking - support in preparation for ministry and during while u're on the field. there are quite a few issues and it seems like a big topic cuz we spent the whole hour on it. it's something i've been wondering and thinking, kinda worrying about a lot. for a long time i've felt caught btwn 2 churches, not really a part of either one: presby and jaffray. it was weird losing a home church that i had grown up in as a child when i went to univ cuz that's the yr my dad went to jaffray. so i never went to either presby or jaffray consistently or i mean, full-time i guess. at presby, it took awhile to get to know the other ppl my age and i still dont' know hardly any older ppl - unlces and aunties, though i'd like to. my missions trip has helped a lot in that, i think. and i don't really serve other than on worship team, which is fun. :) but a lot more than i even do at jaffray.... i have hardly gone this yr since i rarely go home and if i do, it's only for a day or so. i've gotten to know the hs kids at jaffray a little better over the last yr - from softball and stuff. and they're always really friendly which is great. but i don't feel that bond, that sense of belonging quite yet. and even though i know aunties and uncles thru my parents and the parents of my sis' friends... it's still not quite the same. maybe it's time, maybe it's.. i dunno. but i was really touched this summer when i was raising support for the nairobi trek that ppl from both churches were so supportive. more than i had expected. but it bothered me that i don't have a stable church, one that i attend every wk and am a big part of - serving and caring for ppl. but maybe it's just this stage in my life. maybe things will get better in a couple yrs after i finish school. i was thinking about a church sending me, or supporting me in God's call and fulfilling his will... and it was comforting to hear craig say that u can get ur support from more than one church and that often one church can't supply all ur needs, whatever they may be. i guess i still would like to have one church that i feel totally at home in... but not sure how that will come about. i guess something to keep praying about.
on a completely diff note... i went clubbing tonight!! for the first time ever. :) i've been to parties at trin and a rave during frosh wk, but never a "real" club, so i was kinda excited about this. :P it was for the staff christmas party at jaka's - kat and jack were really generous. they ordered 2 huge platters of sushi and sashimi from tokyo sushi and we got free handrolls.. yummm! champagne too! :) really light, the kind i can actually drink since i completely hate the taste of alcohol. lotsa ppl showed up for dinner and they all helped me and sam to close - clean up. we kicked ppl out really early - b4 9 pm, so we could eat. then a bunch of us went clubbing. we were supposed to go to helium, but the line up was really long so we went to fluid as originally planned. fred and his friend alan (the one who "likes" shannon. :P) came with us, but couldn't go in cuz there was a dress code. :( so it ended up being sam, terrance, amy, jack and kat, and me who actually went into fluid. kaitlyn left early cuz she has to work tmr. and... what can i say about my first clubbing experience? it was fun! :) i can totally see how ppl find it fun and go all the time. smoke doesn't bother me anymore, so i'm cool with that. loud music, different atmosphere, energy... drinks... i can see how it all comes together. :) unfortunately fluid wasn't so good... i was pretty bored. kat and jack treated us to the first round of drinks, and then we danced for a bit. but sam and i were like - this is pretty boring. i think it was house, or what i "think" is house. :) not r&b, hip hop which is what we were expecting. too bad. next time we're going to money!! sam said it's really good on sat nights. it was cool seeing everyone all dressed up too. i hardly ever dress up anymore. so i guess that's it... :)
wow, what a long post! i'm pretty cheung hay, as u may have noticed. :P k, time to get started on my essay!
one more wk til christmas!
nite. :)
Friday, December 14, 2001
life after exams and papers... almost!
it's been a relaxing 2 days. i wrote my one and only exam on monday (that went really well!) and handed in my overdue paper on tues. since then, i worked, saw mamma mia, went shopping, caught up on my tv shows and had lunch with my dad. and slept a lot. :) i've got one more paper to write b4 my christmas vacation starts. i can't wait! this will be a great paper to write. it's on the global barriers to food distribution. the problem is... i just gotta slot in a time to write it! hehe. i almost forgot about that part. there were so many things i wanted to do after the rush of papers and assignments were all handed in. i'm temporarily putting aside my hermitism in anticipation of the holidays. [grin]
i'm going clubbing on sunday. our staff christmas party! that'll be an interesting experience. :) ange and i went shopping last night for something to wear, but i couldn't find anything really perfect. i guess i'll hafta go again l8r. it occurred to me that my wardrobe is really boring. maybe it's time for a change. hmm... :) i love working at jaka's. it's GREAT. i love the ppl i work with and the ppl i meet! and i get to see friends all the time too cuz they drop by. :) i see them more at work than i see them anywhere else. hehe. since i've been such a recluse this yr. i worked on wed morning - the first time i've done a day shift in a long time. i was working with vickie - she's new, and then amy and sam came in around lunch time to help out. except it was really quiet for some reason, so the 4 of us didn't have much to do. we were talking in the kitchen about the party on sunday and other fun stuff - like sam's bf's work party last wkd that i switched shifts with her for... and it felt really cool. sitting there talking with them and getting along so well with all of them. not that i find it esp hard to get along with ppl in general, but just that it was comfortable and natural. :) it's just that i've heard stories about other ppl at other work places not getting along with other employees and that's never good. but it's like a family! all of us who work there always go visit even when we're not working. :) free food and free bbt! hehe. if it wasn't for working at jaka's, i wouldn't have gotten to know a lot of the ppl there - ppl that i might not usually hang out with. not cuz they're weird or anything, but just not the ppl that i might normally be drawn to. but i think they're great. :) i meet lotsa customers at work too - i've seen a couple of them at church (john and kelly.. yay! and kevin. :) ) and some old, crusty men. [grin] jk. this guy the other morning told me i must have good-looking parents. i was like .. umm.. thanx! lol. now that's the first time i've heard that b4! :) he said he's been to china and didn't see many pretty girls there, but there are lots that are around here. hahaha. i've never been included in that category b4. :P and this other old man has been coming in pretty regularly lately. i was studying the first time he came in and so he started asking me about school and my future and stuff. he's an engineer from turkey, went to school in the states and owns his own company and all that - does some kinda aerospace stuff. i told him i wanted to work overseas and he told me about his practicums that he did way back when in germany on this technology and engineering exchange program. he got all excited about it and said he'd find me info and i was like umm... but i'm in nutrition! that's not very technology related! and he was like oh yeah, u're smart. lol. so then he started telling me i should go into business and start my own vitamin company! cuz he's been thinking of starting up a company like that and said we could be partners. fortunately a customer came in just then so i had to go help him. :P now i have some stories of my own to tell! i always thought sarah had such an interesting time at pharma when we were in hs, meeting all these weird ppl. :)
so... u know, this blog thing is a bit more troublesome than i thought it'd be. i actually have to think about what i'm gonna write in here vs. my own personal journal where i just write anything and everything that comes to mind. i don't worry about grammar or spelling or what i might not want ppl to know about what i'm thinking exactly, or to make it at least slightly entertaining. but... i guess this could be worth it. we'll see. :)
Wednesday, December 12, 2001
testing, testing... 1, 2, 3.
well, this is it! my very own blog. yay! :) for all those brillant ideas, random thoughts and... whatever else comes to mind. :) i know i'm jumping on the bandwagon cuz it seems like everyone else has an online journal, but oh well. now u can find out what's going on in my life without actually talking to me. though on second thought, i dunno if that's such a good idea! well one way or the other, this is it - la princesse du monde's very own creation! enjoy! :)
